If I told you I began this journey with nothing but excitement and expectation I’d be lying, and I feel like that would be a pretty poor way to start this thing off right. The truth is, I am starting it with excitement mixed with a little fear of the unexpected and anxiety about opening my heart up to you, to the world. But coincidentally, God has given me a story that I just can’t shut up about and that bodes well for someone who has always been a sort of chronic, over sharer. That personality trait hasn’t always suited me well, but in this case, it helps drive me forward. It paves a way for action when I would otherwise stay stagnant.
When God gives you a story too great to keep to yourself, it’s difficult to sit back and let it go to waste. I’ve lived a fairly comfortable life, not ever really going without. From the outside looking in, I had it all. My life at 33 was full. I had four beautiful, healthy children, a loving and adoring husband, a beautiful home, and a loving community of friends and family that I did life with. But something was always missing. No matter what I achieved, who I did life with, or how successful I was, there was always this nagging voice inside me begging, “isn’t there more?”. It lingered like a toothache, easily dismissed but always present. It began to claw away at my life from the inside out, like a beast contained for far too long. She was tired of being caged and growled with anticipation and hungered to be let out. Fear kept the lock tight and insecurity hid the key.
God began to unravel the life I had so He could begin to build one that would realign me with Him, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. In the unraveling, God made an everlasting covenant of peace with me. I would never be able to experience it if I continued to do life with only parts of Him.
Giving my whole life to Him freed me to boldly step into and discover my calling as a writer, a speaker, and a survivor in Him. I began to set aside the fears and insecurities that once kept me hidden amongst the crowd, but stepping into this life required me to unlock the beast of my past and let her surface and be heard. She came out fierce, clawing away at life. I could feel her claws against my ribcage as she spoke for the first time in over twenty years, and it tore away at everything I was.
My struggles dealing with PTSD associated with a suppressed sexual attack that occurred when I was 13 years old began when I was a 33 year old. Up until that point I thought burying it deep in the darkest parts of my mind would heal me, but instead, it grew. She grew. As the years passed by, she remained quiet as I took lead over my life, hitting milestone after milestone, achieving more than most. It wasn’t until a fateful drive back up to the place she was birthed that the memories of my attack would no longer stay confined.
Discovering who I was, and all that God had for me required me to let go of confining her. The journey of healing thus far has had many ups and downs, trials of remarkable battles that ended with extraordinary victories. Healing is equivalent to enduring a second trauma. The work involved is much harder than anything I’ve ever endured before, but such is evident for things that are worthy of fighting for in life. Shedding the life I once knew birthed a life that was filled with an inner peace and joy that I’d never experienced before. God began to pave a way of discovering who I was in Him, showing me along the way just how loved I was, regardless of what I could do or who I could please.
It’s actually pretty funny, I’ve lost a lot in the process thus far, but what I’ve gained is worth more than I could have ever imagined. Life with Him broke me from the bondage of my past and freed me to be truly known. It’s so freeing to be me, authentic and genuine, and caring more about what Jesus thinks than anyone else.
So, let me introduce myself! I am Nikki. A truly known and loved woman of God who wishes to open her heart up and share it with you, because I want my light to shine bright and I believe the more I use my voice to share my story of transformation, the brighter my light will shine on a dark world. We were made to be connected, intertwined with love. Our stories are the doorway to a world overcome by a multitude of lights, too bright to be put out. So join me and lets rise up, together and shine!